Posts tagged help
How to Let Go of Shame and Bring In Success
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Shame 101

The simple definition of shame is a painful emotion caused by a strong sense of embarrassment, failure, worthlessness, and/or disgrace.

Shame follows people with addiction, hurting families and unhealthy relationships. Others can shame us and we can shame ourselves with some version of "who you are isn't okay, and nothing you do will change that. Shame on you."

Characteristics of shame

Unhealthy shame is the most detrimental human emotion. It is based on the different expectations that are placed on us by ourselves and by others. This results in the want to hide or cover up or escape. On the flip side, healthy shame leads to the blessings of humility and spirituality. 

Defenses against shame: 

addiction, anger, rage, perfectionism, etc

Descriptive shame words:

shy, embarrassed, inferior, stupid, dumb, inadequate, failure, guilty, humiliated, disgusted, worthless, mortified, a monster

Rules that follow shame

  • control
  • no talking
  • denial
  • incompleteness
  • perfectionism
  • blame
  • unreliability
  • disqualification

Symptoms of unhealthy shame

Shame is difficult to diagnose on others because most of the time it is something we're hiding from the outside world. Like when you hear people talk about someone who committed suicide and they say "they showed no signs that they were going to do that". Well yes, they actually probably did show signs, but they might not have been as obvious to observers because the person was TRYING to hide it. We try to hide what we're embarrassed of. I'm going to list out how to self-diagnose yourself though, and honestly I would argue that everyone has some level of unhealthy shame in their life and I would blame it on the cultures we grow up in. And you do not need to check ALL of these to have unhealthy shame as they are all evidence of it on their own. 

- You can't bring yourself to do things, go places, or be around people because you feel intimidated

- You experience recurrent bouts of depression

- You are in self-isolation: physically or emotionally distancing yourself from others; especially those you care about the most

- You pretend to be someone you are not

- You rely on bad habits or substances to medicate inner pain and self-loathing

- You exaggerate and or lie about yourself, your accomplishments, and your lifestyle; you brag or name drop

- Your public identity and your private self are markedly different

- You have had suicidal thoughts

- You assume the blame when someone treats you poorly or hurts you

- You make excuses for people who abuse you or treat you with disrespect

- You are unable to accept yourself as only human; instead you see yourself as subhuman or superhuman. You are unable to accept that there is both good and bad within you; you cling to a view of yourself that is all bad or all good or you alternate between the two

- You keep secrets about yourself, and you feel bound to carry them with you to the grave

- You keep a shameful part of your life separate from the rest of your life, even in your own mind; so that your behavior in one area is markedly different from the rest of your life

- You deny the nature and severity of your addictions

- You lose yourself in the needs of others: busying yourself by taking care of others; rescuing them; trying to control, fix or change them; and trying to solve their problems while neglecting your life (also known as codependency)

- You feel driven to achieve, overachieve, and excel to feel okay about yourself; you try to prove your worth by what you do (my number 1 problem in case you were wondering)

- You focus on the flaws and failings of others; being judgmental and critical draws attention away from you or consoles you that you aren't as bad as the object of your criticism 

Shame, Guilt and Toxic Shame

So now we now what shame is and looks like. Guilt is associated with shame because it is believing what we did is not okay, however, it can be beneficial when it affirms our values and motivates us to change like feeling bad that we hurt someone's feelings so we don't say that again next time. Shame can also be healthy when it causes humility so it's believing that we are limited and make mistakes. Like when we get into a car accident and realize we're not perfect. Toxic shame however is where the danger lurks because it is the belief that who we are is not okay, that we are worthless. 

How to address your unhealthy shame 

Unhealthy shame is only going to hold you back from your success, whether that be in your career, your relationships or your happiness. Releasing unhealthy shame takes time, but once you do it you will feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of your shoulders, you're going to be motivated to change your life, and you'll grow so much spiritually. 

1. Switch from shame-based systems to self-love systems

Accepting who you are and that who you are is okay is a HUGE undertaking. And taking baby steps, in my opinion, is the best way to handle this. When you feel the shame creeping in just recognize it, stop, and change the station so the voice in your head now tells you that you are worth it. Remind yourself that this is cultural and not a fact and that you're a badass until you believe it. And again really try to fall in love with who you are. All of my posts are so woven together with this concept because it is the ultimate life lesson in my opinion. 

2. Expose shame and treat it like a feeling

Call that shit out. Go and see a therapist and talk about it. It grows so much stronger when it's hidden. The second you put the spotlight on it you'll be more in control of it. Calling it what it is is almost always the first step when dealing with feelings and emotions as I wrote about in my other post about feelings

3. Track it to its roots

Here is definitely where I would recommend therapy. If you're like me then you bury that shit deep down inside and lock the door so I honestly don't even know where to start when it comes to tracing my roots. Therapist studied how to do this so let them help you. 

4. Change what's needed

Once you start doing all of these things you'll realize what's causing you shame. Is it perfectionism? Change what you need to. If your job is forcing you to be perfect try to find a new one or change the environment. Is it your relationship? Change it. Perfection doesn't exist so if your world is asking you for it... move. 

5. Release the shame

And once you've got what's causing the shame in the palm of your hand, open it and let it go. 

 

And if you need to be reminded that you're a badass... read this post :) 

 

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The Other F Word: Feelings
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Just in case nobody in your life has told you this... IT IS OKAY TO HAVE FEELINGS. Even better yet... YOU NEED TO HAVE FEELINGS because if you don't that makes you a sociopath. 

And just in case you haven't been told this either... IT IS OKAY TO FEEL YOUR FEELINGS. There you now have permission to be a human. 

I understand that this is MUCH easier said than done as a lot if not most of us have been raised to believe that showing emotion is showing weakness and that if you feel sad or hurt you need to just bury that deep down in and move on. Well this is SUPER unhealthy and it leads to negative consequences and behaviors later on. Your feelings will manifest later on, but stronger and more powerful if you immediately resist your feelings when they're brought up. 

What you resist persists

Let's talk about core feelings

What I'm realizing more and more (including in myself) is that society doesn't really ever talk about feelings, like what they are and how it feels to feel them. You can't talk about how you feel shame if you don't even know that shame is a feeling, right? So I'm going to list out core feelings so when you feel something and you can't identify exactly what you're feeling and you want shove it under the figurative rug in your head you can refer to this this and distinguish it. 

ANGER

FEAR

SAD

HURT/PAIN

LONELY

GUILT

SHAME

LOVE

HAPPY

JOY

GRATITUDE

WILLING

HOPEFUL

PEACE

And just as a reminder: all feelings are okay

The way out is always through

I can verify first hand that shoving your feelings deep down inside is super unhealthy. Personally, I did it because I thought it made me independent. If nobody knew that they could make me feel an emotion that meant I had complete autonomy of my emotions and that made me stronger and invincible. 

No, no, no. It made me weaker, apathetic, and I was called a robot multiple times. I thought it was endearing at the time, but looking back it was naive and childish and I'm paying for it now by having to sort through the emotions I didn't deal with back then. 

Our emotions and feelings control us if we resist them and until we allow ourselves to really feel the emotion they'll incubate and grow stronger. Anger is a huge one for this. I know that if I am truly angry at someone and I don't talk about that anger, I just shut my mouth until I'm "over it" that I'm going to end up exploding at them for the stupidest thing. 

Talking through your emotions is essential for healthy relationships, too. I really mean this. Not talking about your feelings can lead to codependency and depression and weaker relationships. If you directly state what you want and what you're feeling you'll create an environment where clear and MEANINGFUL communication can occur. Whether your relationship is romantic or platonic it is important to remember that talking about your feelings should strengthen the relationship and if it weakens it you should rethink who you're spending time with. It is important for your growth and sanity that you're in an environment where feelings are okay to be discussed. 

HOW to talk about your feelings

If you're at all like me THIS is where you struggle. I know I need to feel my feelings, I know I need to talk about my feelings, but for some reason knowing I need to do it didn't motivate me enough to actually do it because I didn't know HOW to talk about them. So don't worry, I got your back. 

First thing you need to do is resort to the list of core emotions. You need to identify which feelings you're feeling and use the words. Don't use a weaker synonym version of the word to shake it off. You're entitled to feel that emotion and synonyms will often times have skewed meaning and the goal here is for clear, meaningful communication. 

Next see if you can figure out why you're feeling that way. If you know a person is causing you to feel that way use the "I feel ____ when you ____" set up. So "I feel hurt, sad, and lonely when you make plans with me and cancel last minute" and an example is also necessary so "like that time when we planned to go to the concert together and the day of you called and told me you couldn't make it". This is healthy communication. The other person can't say "oh I don't do that" because you gave them a concrete example. And you're feelings have been stated and now they know that they caused you to feel those negative feelings. 

If you don't know why you're feeling a certain way just start talking about your feelings. Find a trusted friend and say "I'm not sure why, but I'm feeling sad right now" and allow yourself to feel sad. If it's consistent you should seek therapy (or really just seek therapy anyway because every single person should be in therapy) and maybe see if you can talk through why. Personally my go-to is my mom because I can literally be like "ugh I feel so sad today for no reason" and she'll point blank tell me "there's definitely a reason" and list to me alllllll the things in my life that could be making me sad and once I identify it I can feel it and let it go. 

And then allow yourself time to feel it. Rushing this is counterproductive. Take the time to heal. You wouldn't take your cast off of your leg after 2 days and say "well I need to get over this and walk because I have stuff to do" because you would re break it right? Same thing with your feelings. You need to treat your emotions as REAL and don't push them aside too early. Everyone is different and you're allotted as much time as you need to heal. 

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20 Tips to Prevent Burnout

1. Stop people pleasing!

This is absolutely number one just in case you think this is too long to read because this is most important! Stop living your day for everyone else. Don't go to law school to impress your parents if you want to be a photographer. Don't plan your coworkers baby shower if you won't love every part of the experience. Don't make plans with people who don't take your thoughts and feelings into account. There are three easy steps to accomplish this:

1. Think about what is being offered for a moment. For example: your coworker asks you to plan their retirement party. Tell them you'll think about it and get back to them in a timely manner. Then think about it.

2. Weigh the outcomes. There are two in this instance. 1- I plan the retirement party and waste my time and energy doing so. 2- I don't plan the retirement party and waste no time or energy on this. Are you close with this coworker? Then maybe you're not wasting anything. Do you dislike this coworker? You're probably wasting valuable resources planning it, then. Weigh the costs and benefits of the decision.

3. Decide. And this is the hard part for most people, but it doesn't have to be. You either say "I'd love to" or "I appreciate you trusting me with this task, but I don't have the time". Short and simple. Don't make your decision based on the happiness it would bring them, but on the happiness it would bring you. If making them happy TRULY makes you happy - then do it. If not, spend your time on better things.

2. Change your diet

All I'm going to say on this since people HATE being told to change their diet is if you eat better you feel better. If you feel better you won't get burnt out so quickly. That is all.

3. Make sure you're getting enough sleep

I'm dead serious about this one. I hate that our culture praises those who sleep less as if that shows what a strong work ethic you have. No no no... without your 8 hours you are working less efficiently and if you know me you know that my number one concern is efficiency. I can get so much more done in one hour of time if I'm well rested than if I'm tired. PLUS fatigue is the reason why most car accidents happen on Fridays - people haven't been sleeping all week. Do us and yourself a favor and sleep! If you're not convinced I wrote a whole post on why badass bitches sleep A LOT!

4. Ask for help

Share carpool responsibilities for your kids, make sure you're splitting up group work, make sure your partner and you are sharing home responsibilities, and if you need help with a task ask someone for help knowing you'll return the favor when they need help. If you're not surrounded by people willing to help you then you need to rethink your relationships.

5. Time block

Don't work on writing your 25 page paper all in one sitting, do it in 5 page increments and take a break every 5 pages where you meditate or take a short walk, etc. This is super important for big goals. Just spend an hour every day on your goal and chip away at it until you reach it. If you're trying to build your business overnight you're going to get burnt out and quit really fast. Life's a marathon and you need to pace yourself. Which leads me to my next point...

6. Stop procrastinating

You're burnt out because you waited until 12pm to finish your report that's due the next day at 6am and not only are you stressed about the time crunch, but you're going to be running all day on no sleep making you less sharp - which leads to a less efficient day meaning you have to stay up late again to get all of your work done because it's taking you longer to complete. Schedule your responsibilities and stick to them so you can be at your most efficient and still have time for self-care and sleep and joy.

7. Make time for joy

And no this is not making time for self-care, that'll be another point. Joy is simply joy. Making time for what makes you laugh and what gives your life purpose. This is essential. I recommend making a list of the things that bring you the kind of joy that fills your soul and incorporate something from that list into each day. All day your draining your life source battery and joy is how you recharge it.

8. Stay off of social media

You've got to trust me on this one. People on social media are either complaining or bragging. You only see the BEST parts of peoples lives and then you end up comparing yourself to them. They're using filters, only showing the glamorous part of their day, and it's all for show. Studies have proven that people who use social media are left feeling more depressed than before they logged on. You need to lessen the amount of distractions in your life and keep your focus on your goal without comparing where you are in life to other people.

9. Make sure you're taking time for self-care

I really don't feel like I need to write a lot for this one... self-care is easy. Make sure your basic needs are met and you're taking time for YOU. Personally my self-care is done when I'm alone so I wrote a post that's 100 things to do alone if you're looking for some ideas.

10. Take time to be creative

This is so important. This isn't just a taking a break or letting your mind wander. Creating makes you feel important, it gets your using your right brain, and it's how you stay motivated. The less creative your responsibilities are (i.e. work, your major, running kids to soccer practice, etc) the more time you need to be creative to make sure you have that balance. Creating inspires and inspiration keeps you motivated and happy -- you'll be depressed and burnout super quick if you only focus on the boring stuff.  I wrote a post on how to become inspired and find your passion if you're more interested in how to do this.

11. Stay hydrated

Just do it... if you're not drinking your weight in ounces of water every day you're not hydrated your body isn't at it's peak. Hydration = burnout prevention. Write it down.

12. Plan your goals

I mean sit down and plan out your next week, month, year, 5 years, 10 years, 20 years, etc. Where are you headed in your life? Where do you want to go? I recommend starting at 20 years and working backwards. This doesn't have to be set in stone, you can always change your mind, but it's much less of a mental strain if I know that by working on my business 1 hour a day I'll get to my 20 year goal then if I'm stressing out over how I'm going to be the person I want to be. Sit down, write it out, and calm down. I use the bullet journal method and wrote a post about that as well if you're interested.

13. Spend time in nature

The most important reminder spending time in nature gives me is that there is more than my tiny little perspective of the world. If I don't turn in my paper by midnight the sun will still rise, the Earth will still turn, and the little things I do every day are really not that important. Just go and take a walk outside of the city and remember that.

14. Ground yourself

This needs to be done every day. The busier you are the more grounding you need. I already wrote a whole post about how to ground yourself so check that out!

15. Keep your energy levels high

If you're struggling just to get out of bed in the morning you're probably already burnt out. You need to follow the other steps on this list, but I also wrote a post on how I got through this. I was sleeping 12 hours and would wake up feeling like I didn't sleep at all and couldn't get out of bed and so I wrote a post on how I got my energy back so you can implement some of the things that helped me in your own life.

16. Cut the bad fruit off of the tree

This goes along with the first point of not pleasing people... but really you NEED to remove toxicity from your life at all costs. Cut off toxic relationships, toxic friends, toxic family members, toxic responsibilities, etc. This is crucial. All of those things are draining your energy and you're going to get burnt out so much faster. If a person or a task isn't making you feel healthier or good about yourself or helping you achieve your goal you're wasting your time and energy. Again, I'm all about efficiency so trim up your life.

17. Get rid of stuff

Burnt out? TIME TO PURGE. You're wasting time and energy organizing your crap, cleaning your crap, looking for your crap, moving your crap to make room for other crap and it's exhausting. Believe me I know how you feel... I grew up with a type A mom who needed everything organized with labels BUT THERE WAS SO MUCH STUFF. It was just organized clutter. If you don't NEED it or LOVE it toss it. Byeeeeeeee. I also wrote a whole post on how to minimalize your entire life - not just your stuff. Read that one too. :)

18. Stop feeling guilty

Guilt burns me out faster than any other emotion. It takes about 3 seconds of a guilt trip for me to need a nap. This is so hard for people and I get it... but it's really something to work on. Be yourself unapologetically. If you fuck up then apologize and move on. You've learned from your mistake, be grateful for the lesson, and don't dwell on it. Stop feeling guilty that you're not around enough for someone, that you can't afford a birthday present, etc. If you're doing the best you can then the people in your life should respect that. If they make you feel guilty then resort back to point number 16 because you don't have time for that kind of negativity in your life. You have shit to do.

19. Be patient

You're not going to be a millionaire at 25. You're not going to live in a fully renovated penthouse at 26. Even if you know 20 year olds who are - you're probably not because most are living in shit holes and that is 100% OKAY. Even if you're 40 and you feel like you don't have your life together yet it is okay. Make a plan and chip away at it and be happy that you have a purpose. You're burnt out because you're impatient and you think having the penthouse is what will make you happy, but you're wrong. Working towards the penthouse is what will make you happy.

20. Believe you can do it

Otherwise known as your self-efficacy - this is psych 101. If you truly believe you CAN accomplish it then you will. That way a 25 page paper goes from this huge monster you have to slay with a toothpick to just "oh yeah that'll be nothing I can totally do that". You raise your self-efficacy by remembering all the times you have accomplished a similar task in the past... "Remember last semester when you wrote that 20 page paper? This is only 5 more pages". It might suck to accomplish it... but just reminding yourself that it's totally doable makes all the difference.

Minimizing Your Life - Not Just Your Closet
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But start with your closet...

Of course purging all of your crap is important and in fact you should start with your closet. You should donate everything you do not absolutely need for survival or for inspiration. My best friend pointed out to me that your closet represents your life, and she's right. If you want a life that is filled with only your priorities and no excess that will waste your time then you need to make sure your closet represents that. Mine is a little extreme and represents my perfectionist personality since all of my clothes are color coordinated, and then further coordinated by style of clothing. This is not difficult for me to organize though, because I only have the clothes that I wear every day in my closet. My friend's closet on the other hand is the exact opposite where clothes are just lucky to be hung up in the first place and it is full of things she never wears, but won't donate. If you start your minimalist experiment with your closet then you can set up the rest of your life to follow suit.

Organized clutter is still clutter, so get rid of it.

Now move onto the important things...

Most likely once you have started with your closet you have probably found that now your whole house has been purged because it's so addicting to watch negative space in your house emerge. I do not want this entire post to revolve around how to minimize your stuff. Like I said, if you do not find inspiration or need it to survive, donate it. Use this as your first step to taking control of your life and being a badass. With that out of the way we can move onto the important things... minimizing your life.

Minimalism is not about having less, it's about making room for more of what matters

Start with your email...

This is a giant task for many people, especially those who constantly have 1,000 unread messages. This might take you an entire day, and that's totally fine, I promise you it will be worth it. You need to move every single email that is junk into your junk folder so you stop getting emails from them. This will cut the amount of emails you get by at least half.

Next you need to make folders to organize your email. Again, organizing clutter still means you have clutter in your life, so junk as much as you can. My labels are receipts, subscriptions, student loans, other bills, and graduate school. If I get an email that does not fit my 5 labels then I have to deal with it as soon as it comes into my inbox. To create a label simply click on your labels tab - and create new. P.S. If you already have a bunch out out dated labels, delete them and all the emails they have in them!

Next, create filters for your labels. Every single receipt I get goes directly into my receipt folder and is there for when I need it and when I'm ready to look at it. Same for all of the other emails that have a label assigned. To create a filter select the mail from your inbox that you want filtered to that label and go to More - Filter messages like these - and it will prompt you through the set up.

Move onto your social media...

Unfollow and unfriend everyone you don't know or are sick of in each of your social media outlets. The less people you follow or friend the less noisy your social media will be and the happier you will become. This does not include linkedin, you need as big of a network there as possible. This can also be a daunting task, but if you take it one outlet at a time I promise it isn't that crazy and quite frankly it feels good to prioritize people. AND TURN OFF YOUR NOTIFICATIONS! You do not need to look at Facebook every time someone likes your post. I do not even have Facebook as an app on my phone because it's a waste of precious time. I also do not have twitter for the same reason.

Also go through your Facebook posts, twitter posts, etc, and rid yourself of anything you have said that does not aid you in the creation of the image you want to be attached to you. You have to always be thinking about your brand and each and every social media post is apart of that brand so go through them with that in mind. One of my vices was Pintrest, I pinned anything I found remotely useful and it was getting out of control, I went and deleted all of my boards and recreated ones that fit my brand. This is super important!

Your computer...

This actually took me a long time. I had to go through old assignments from school and see what papers I wanted to keep or get rid of. Going through pictures took me almost a whole day in itself. Everything I absolutely felt I needed I put in Google Drive so I can never lose it even if something happens to my computer. There is virtually nothing on my computer now and it feels so great! This is an important feat once you complete it. Plus your computer will run so much faster because of all of the new added memory.

The hard part - your schedule...

My motto works for your schedule too. If it isn't going to provide you with inspiration or aid in your survival (such as your job that is paying for your food), or make you a better person then stop allowing it to use precious time. For example, once I cut out watching competitive cooking shows out of my life I suddenly had time to meal prep. Obviously this does not mean cut out all TV, but you definitely need to prioritize your life this way. Say no to people who are asking too much of you and begin to live mindfully.

Make a daily routine to start. Once you have it down you can stray from it, but start out planning your whole day down to the hour. Budgeting your time is extremely important and will help you to be more productive so long as you only spend time on the important things.

Spring clean your schedule, not your stuff.

The happy part - your budget

I'm not a psychopath I understand that budgets aren't usually happy. This one will be different however, I can promise you that. Guess what is about to happen with your budget? It's about to get BIGGER. Want to know why? Because you're about to stop buying crap! Yay! More money in your savings! You just purged your whole house, why would you go out and start buying more stuff to fill it with? That's regression. You're only buying survival items or items you absolutely love and will inspire you.

Really though, you need to sit down and see what you can cut out of your budget. If you're not prioritizing TV then you probably don't need that Hulu subscription and you definitely do not need cable television (although I keep Netflix for sick days when I want to binge watch shows and they have great documentaries). You will listen to more podcasts (that are free) instead of music because that's less time you will have to spend reading about that topic, so you probably don't need Spotify either. Once you realize you do not need so many luxuries you're going to have more money to spend on important things and it'll make you happier!

Other ways to save money and have less stuff: get a library card and check out books (since you should be reading every single day) or movies, they're free and you give them back when you're done, meal prep so you're not eating out and wasting food you let go bad because you didn't prepare it, start a worm composting bin so you don't have to buy fertilizer or waste uneaten food, switch all of your accounts to paperless to save trees and have less mail and while you're doing this you'll see what accounts you can close, and stop going to sale sections of the store unless it's on something you absolutely need to survive (like food).

Side note: Excel has budget templates, you just fill in your amounts and labels and it'll calculate your spending for you!

He who buys what he does not need steals from himself - Swedish Proverb

Tend to your mind like you tend to a garden

Push out the negative vibes from your life like weeds. Are there negative people in your life? Quiet them or push them out. Practice mindfulness. Keep your mind clear of distraction and free from anxiety. If you only allow the good in and push out the bad your mind will be as beautiful as a manicured garden (and I promise you'll sleep more efficiently as well). Read books that will fill you with inspiration and positivity. Practice the art of being content. Yes, our aim is to be happy, but that's not stable and it fluctuates too much to rely on it. Be content with having less stuff and your life in general and it'll keep you from worrying, which means more positivity.

Now bring in the positive vibes

When your house is only full of things you absolutely love, and you're only spending time on things that bring you inspiration, and your not stressed out about money, and your social media life becomes quieter, I promise you the good vibes are going to flow. Your priorities are going to become clear to you because your mind is going to have room to think, plan, and categorize what is important and what is not.

To close...

Minimalism is a lifestyle so you need to make sure you're ready for it before you begin this challenge. It will be very overwhelming for you if you keep buying stuff and you keep purging, plus it's a waste of your time. If you're sentimental to your stuff then you need to seek therapy and see why that is because it has been proven to be unhealthy and a side effect of serious trauma. Minimalism is a lifestyle shared by those who have their priorities in check and are usually more successful and happier than their peers living in giant houses full of stuff.

 

 

4 Reasons Why Boundaries Are Important and How To Implement Them

What is one thing every happy and successful person has in common? They set boundaries. Here’s why you need boundaries and how to implement them in your life.

1. Boundaries prevent you from being taken advantage of

This is extremely important for your happiness. Think to the last time you were taken advantage of. How did it feel? Horrible right? If you set standards for how you allow people to treat you they will respect you more. It’s really difficult to take advantage of a person who does not allow you to take advantage of them (obviously...)

2. Boundaries keep your self esteem high

If you do not allow others to make fun of you or make you feel bad then your self esteem will stay high. When people aren’t taking you for granted you feel better about yourself. Self-respect is going to feed your self esteem and you’ll be thanking me when you’re happy and surrounded by positivity.

3. Boundaries strengthen your personal relationships

If you allow people to walk all over you, you are going to resent them. By clearly defining what you will allow and not allow in your life you’re not setting your relationships up to fail. You cannot expect people to read your mind. If you do not show that you’re hurting then it is not fair to the person hurting you, how could they know? Setting boundaries will allow for trust to be built. Your partner or friends or family can trust that the emotions you’re showing are real.

4. Boundaries prevent abuse

Mental abuse is not always as easy to pinpoint, especially in romantic relationships, as physical abuse. If you have set up boundaries and notice that a person is constantly ignoring them, it is probably a good sign that they need to leave your life. That is a sign of abuse and you will be happier without that negativity, believe me.

How to implement boundaries:

  1. You need to clearly define what boundaries you want to set in your life. Do you want people to know they cannot ask you for money? Perhaps you hate when people talk about dieting around you. Maybe you would prefer if your family stayed in a hotel instead of your home. Write these down and put some real thought into them.

  2. If you’re having trouble use the “list 5 things method“. List 5 things you want people to stop doing to you, such as ignoring you. 5 things to stop saying to you, such as “you always give up”. And 5 things you want people to stop doing around you, such as gossiping about colleagues.

  3. Own it. You have a right to every single boundary you want to set and you need to be confident in each one. If you allow the boundaries to be crossed then you are losing respect and happiness simultaneously.

  4. At first those already crossing your boundaries are going to object. Remember to always stay calm, explain them as simply as possible, be responsible of your emotions, and if you need to compromise you can, as long as it feels right.

 

P.S. The best part of implementing boundaries is that it will ward off manipulators. Your life will soon only consist of well-meaning relationships.