Posts tagged boundaries
10 Things Independent People Do Differently

1. They set boundaries

It is not a coincidence that I am putting this as number one. Think of these 10 traits as steps to becoming independent. The very first thing I want you to do is sit down and write out your priorities and decide on your boundaries. I wrote a post 4 Reasons Why Boundaries Are Important and How to Implement Them. It goes into more detail about exactly how to frame your boundaries. Setting boundaries is what separates dependent people from independent people. For example, one of the boundaries I have set is that when I need alone time it is okay for me to tell people no or to go away. If people have a problem with this I know that if they're not going to respect this boundary they are probably not going to respect me in many other areas of my life and therefore I do not need them in my life. It will block out soul-sucking, energy vampires from your life. Your energy can be your own with boundaries, PLUS you'll be happier and more badass telling people they need to respect your boundaries, you'll no longer be walked all over.

2. They have a positive attitude

ANOTHER post I've written on this subject is 4 Reasons Why You Need To Check Your Attitude. The thing that independent people have that dependent people don't is a sense of confidence. They may not know for a fact that their making all the right decisions, but they know that they're going to get to where they need to go by making them. Fake it until you make it if you have to, and at first you probably will. Start having faith in yourself, in the people around you, and in the future. Stop worrying so much and focus on being positive and following your intuition. You have a purpose on this Earth and the only way you're going to fulfill it is by following your intuition and putting your faith in it.

3. They have strong relationships

And why do they have strong relationships? Because they set boundaries, but moving on, it's important that this is talked about. Independent people are not lonely people. Let me repeat. INDEPENDENT PEOPLE ARE NOT LONELY PEOPLE. Having a support system behind them is what allows them to thrive and make good decisions and build their confidence. If you're in a relationship, romantic or otherwise, and they are not helping you in this way, as an independent person it's time to cut the chord. Independent people may not have a ton of relationships, but the ones they do have are positive and worth the energy they're putting into them.

4. They do not covet

One of the most important traits that independent people hold is not competing with others, but rather, with themselves. Something I always say is the only person I want to be "better than" is yesterday's version of myself. They don't spend hours on social media because they know it's all false and it's only the best illusions of other people's lives. They don't want to have a ton of stuff to prove to other people that they're "better". In fact, emotionally independent people are usually minimalists who practice detachment. This is much easier for some than others, but it's a practice, something to work towards.

5. They are their own sun

I came up with this phrase this past weekend when having this discussion with one of my best friends and I thought it was a great way to put what I've been trying to say. I phrased it like "I have a lot of people in my life who bring me warmth, but I am my own sun". So if a person leaves my life, there is still warmth that I create without the need for their heat. I can enjoy them, and love them, and want them in my life, but if they leave it, I am not forced into the tundra. I think this is something to definitely keep in mind if you're trying to be independent. Make sure you're in charge of your own joy and other people can amplify it.

6. They practice self awareness

And notice I said "practice". They do not have themselves COMPLETELY figured out, nobody does, and nobody can because we are constantly growing. However, it is super important to keep in mind that knowing yourself is absolutely critical to being independent. If you know who you are then it makes it almost impossible for someone else to come into your life and tell you who are. I know for a fact that I am healer, I am always trying to help and heal every single person I meet, so if someone were to tell me that I am currently destructive I wouldn't believe them. And that's important because the way I see myself is what I make decisions off of, and how I see my self worth and self confidence. Knowing who I am means it's my job to tell others who I am, and not the other way around. To increase your self awareness you can always be taking personality tests, getting psychic readings, palm readings, past lives readings, etc. You should always take a moment to formulate your own opinions about books, music, movies, etc, before you allow others to offer theirs. And you can start paying attention right now to your intuition and your emotions. When do you feel happy? When do you feel sad? What makes you cry or laugh? These are good first steps.

7. They don't make excuses

If you're late, you're late. Nothing else made you late, you did not do everything you could to be on time and it's your fault. That doesn't mean you being late is a bad thing, however, everything happens for a reason. If you're late and your boss fires you then you weren't meant to work there. The point is, independent people take responsibility for their actions.

8. They don't blame others for their problems

This goes along with my last point, but it needs to be said. If you are going through shit then you need to realize that there is a lesson the universe is trying to teach you. If you are going through the same shit over and over again, you're not learning your lesson and the universe is going to keep giving you the lesson until you learn from it. When independent people are constantly getting fired they take a step back and look at the bigger picture, they learn the lessons they are supposed to, and they adapt their behavior.

9. They know happiness is not a destination

I was listening to an interview with Jewel, who is a fascinating human being btw, and she said something that just really hit me. She said "people act like their going to stumble upon happiness like it's Europe or something". It's so true. Happiness isn't the end goal, folks, and in fact viewing it that way is exhausting and disheartening because you're never going to reach it. Happiness is a byproduct of fulfilling your life's purpose. You fulfill your life's purpose by doing what makes you happy. You know what makes you happy through self awareness. These are all connected. Independent people aren't distracted by trying to be happy, they know happiness will be there so long as joy is in their life, and they chase joy.

10. They adapt

Trump gets elected? Adapt. Your spouse files for divorce? Adapt. Your dog dies? Adapt. Your job moves you across the country? Adapt. Stop thinking that where you are right now is where you always need to be. You need to move on and adapt to your situations because learning to adapt is where we grow as humans and as cognitive beings. I'm not saying suppress your emotions, in fact I'm suggesting the opposite. You need to feel those emotions so they can guide you into learning the lessons from the experience that you need to, but you need to continue to look forward and view your future with hope. Be a problem solver and not a whiner.

How To Have A Healthy Relationship With Your Roommate

There are many important, yet unpleasant, conversations you will need to have with your roommate/roommates. Knowing how to handle certain situations is critical to a harmonious relationship.

As soon as you move in, discuss boundaries.

Boundaries are incredibly important for many reasons that I have explained here. If you want until your top pet peeves happen to talk about them, you’ve already risked an unpleasant encounter. You should talk about your habits within the first week of moving in. I, for example, mentioned how I’m a light sleeper, I need sleep on week nights because I wake up early, and I’m very clean. Those are my top three bug-a-boos and I made sure to let my roommates know them ASAP. This prevented an unpleasant “turn down the TV I’m trying to sleep” conversation.

Don’t be ridiculous, though

Yes, you need to tell your roommates your pet peeves, but you’re not a dictator and they need to be able to live their lives. For example, yes I need to sleep and I’m a light sleeper, but if you want to have a raging party on a Friday night when I don’t have to wake up early the next morning, that’s totally fine. It’s your space, too. Yes, I’m extremely clean, but if you leave some dishes in the sink and it’s bothering me then I’ll do them. I expect you to be reasonably clean, but not Type-A, so if I want the space cleaner than reasonable, I’ll clean it myself. You do have to compromise on some things.

Be assertive, not passive aggressive

If something your roommate is doing is bothering you, do NOT be passive aggressive. I promise it will lead to resentment and weaken your relationship. If you want them to take out the trash because they never do you do not say “if you wanted to take out the trash once in a while that would be cool”. No no no. Instead you say “I know you’re super busy, but I’ve noticed our trash can fills around twice a week so if we could each take out the trash once a week I’d really appreciate it”. There, that was easy. No defense will go up because you didn’t imply that they’re lazy or dirty for not taking out the trash. Actually, you even acknowledged how busy they are and gave them sympathy (which is one of the quickest ways to win a person’s approval btw). Being assertive in general is super important and there is a great resource that explains how to be assertive here.

Be nice (shocker)

For real. This applies to getting anyone to like you. Genuinely care about them. Pay attention to their moods and when they happen. Ask your roommate about their day and let them talk about themselves when you know they’re in a talkative mood. When they complain, sympathize with them. Like I said, sympathy is something every human craves so giving it to them will make them like you. If they like you, then they will go out of their way to be accommodating. They will also not be quick to jump to anger when you ask them to change something or do something. Think about it. Would you rather have your best friend tell you that you’re being too loud or a stranger?

Be considerate

Be the change you wish to see in the world. No, but really. Be as clean as you want them to be. Keep the noise at the level you would want it. When they tell you to change habits, like do the dishes more, do it. And then they’ll also feel inclined to do the same. Monkey see, monkey do.

And remember…

The only person you can comfortably live with is yourself. If you’re doing all of these things, setting boundaries, being assertive about your feelings, being nice and considerate, then you’re probably going to have a great relationship with your roommate. If you’re doing all of these things and your roommate is still ridiculous, you should probably look for a new place to live because your piece of mind is more important than your location.

4 Reasons Why Boundaries Are Important and How To Implement Them

What is one thing every happy and successful person has in common? They set boundaries. Here’s why you need boundaries and how to implement them in your life.

1. Boundaries prevent you from being taken advantage of

This is extremely important for your happiness. Think to the last time you were taken advantage of. How did it feel? Horrible right? If you set standards for how you allow people to treat you they will respect you more. It’s really difficult to take advantage of a person who does not allow you to take advantage of them (obviously...)

2. Boundaries keep your self esteem high

If you do not allow others to make fun of you or make you feel bad then your self esteem will stay high. When people aren’t taking you for granted you feel better about yourself. Self-respect is going to feed your self esteem and you’ll be thanking me when you’re happy and surrounded by positivity.

3. Boundaries strengthen your personal relationships

If you allow people to walk all over you, you are going to resent them. By clearly defining what you will allow and not allow in your life you’re not setting your relationships up to fail. You cannot expect people to read your mind. If you do not show that you’re hurting then it is not fair to the person hurting you, how could they know? Setting boundaries will allow for trust to be built. Your partner or friends or family can trust that the emotions you’re showing are real.

4. Boundaries prevent abuse

Mental abuse is not always as easy to pinpoint, especially in romantic relationships, as physical abuse. If you have set up boundaries and notice that a person is constantly ignoring them, it is probably a good sign that they need to leave your life. That is a sign of abuse and you will be happier without that negativity, believe me.

How to implement boundaries:

  1. You need to clearly define what boundaries you want to set in your life. Do you want people to know they cannot ask you for money? Perhaps you hate when people talk about dieting around you. Maybe you would prefer if your family stayed in a hotel instead of your home. Write these down and put some real thought into them.

  2. If you’re having trouble use the “list 5 things method“. List 5 things you want people to stop doing to you, such as ignoring you. 5 things to stop saying to you, such as “you always give up”. And 5 things you want people to stop doing around you, such as gossiping about colleagues.

  3. Own it. You have a right to every single boundary you want to set and you need to be confident in each one. If you allow the boundaries to be crossed then you are losing respect and happiness simultaneously.

  4. At first those already crossing your boundaries are going to object. Remember to always stay calm, explain them as simply as possible, be responsible of your emotions, and if you need to compromise you can, as long as it feels right.

 

P.S. The best part of implementing boundaries is that it will ward off manipulators. Your life will soon only consist of well-meaning relationships.