4. Dear J

These breakup letters were sent in by FTS readers

Dear J,

This feeling I have right now is indescribable. I haven't thought about you in a very long time and sitting here trying to think of what to say to you is causing hesitation. I hate letting you occupy space in my consciousness. Out of all of the dumb things I've done in my life you take the gold. Looking back, though, I know that you had to come into my life to make me the person I am. I know that's what everyone always says, but really it's true. Everything lined up so perfectly for me to accept you.

I had just gotten out of a relationship that I didn't let myself call a relationship. I had all of this guilt built up inside of me from it. I had hurt this person and so many like him in the past because I was afraid of commitment. And when he called me a horrible person for being with him without committing to him, I believed it. I wanted to change, I wanted to be better. So I said this time is going to be different. I'm going to find a decent guy, commit to him and love him unconditionally.

Now you see why I call myself dumb. I was so naive to believe that anyone was worthy of that blind love, especially you. You showed up just when I needed you to validate that I was a good person, and you did. You also were broken and that meant I could help heal you and that would double my good person points. When you said you had always loved me I believed you and used that statement to justify you being the person I chose to give everything I had kept from others who had wanted it.

To be honest... I really didn't care who was telling me these things. I was never in love with you, not even close. I remember the first time you came to visit me. My idea of you was so different from who you actually were, I remember having to force everything. One of the most vivid moments in my mind was when we cuddled for the first time and I remember thinking "this is wrong, you need to end this", but I talked myself out of it. I just kept telling myself "but he's such a good person and he'll make you a better person".

Smh. I wish I would have listened to that voice in my head and would have prevented the abuse. It started slowly. You said your family kicked you out of your house over summer break and you needed to stay with mine. I believed you and compromised my boundaries for you. You would make excuses to try to keep me in your presence at all times. If I wanted to go out you had to come with because you had anxiety. You moved to a new city for me and had no friends so I had to entertain you. You were sick and I needed to be with you and try to make you healthy. There was always something I needed to do for you. Just thinking about it makes me feel like I need a nap.

Guilt is how you kept me from leaving. I tried. I tried to leave multiple times, but you always pulled me back using things against me to get me to stay. You knew exactly what buttons to push to make me hate myself. I convinced myself to stay thinking that I needed to help you and that I needed to be a good person. I couldn't leave you like I had left the others in my past or I would be a bad person. Funny thing is... I never, not once, felt like a good person when I was with you. You always made sure I felt weak, insecure, and depressed enough to stay.

I don't think you fully understand how this affected me. The light was stolen from me. I walked around like I was on drugs. I didn't laugh, I didn't cry, I didn't feel for a year and a half. Breaking up with you was like a breath of fresh air. I cried for 4 minutes exactly after I kicked you out, not out of remorse or sorrow, but out of relief. It was my proudest moment. It took me a while to get the light back into my eyes and to build up my self esteem. My best friend had to move in with me for a few weeks to remind me how to laugh and how to think positively and for that I owe her everything.

I know that I shouldn't regret you because you made me the strong person I am right now, but I do. I wasted so much time on you. I was so unproductive and I could have accomplished so much more in college if you weren't there holding me back. This was 2 years ago and you still try to contact me. I had to move, change my phone number, change my email addresses, tell mutual friends that they could not give out my information just to try to get away from you. I have not said one word to you since I kicked you out, and that is never going to change. You took a year and a half of my life, you do not get one more second.

P.S. I do not hate you. Hate is not the opposite of love. There has to be feelings for me to hate you. I feel nothing when I think of you. You could die or win the lottery and I would not care.