3. Dear Ex-boyfriend
These breakup letters were sent in by FTS readers
Over these past weeks I have felt an array of emotions: pain, loss, relief, sadness, regret, anger, excited. Our relationship began and ended quickly, without much time for me to process what was really happening. I was wrapped up in so many emotions during our journey that I didn’t give myself time to sit back and reflect on the reasoning behind our actions and words. We weren’t patient with each other and never gave ourselves time to process what we were feeling.
Reflecting back on it all I have realized so much. I would do it all differently if I could. I would have given myself more time. More time to heal from my past, more time to fall in love without jumping steps. I would have focused on me so. much. more. I lost myself in you. I forgot what gets me going in the morning, what pushes me. I relied on you to fill that hole for me, to satisfy my needs when I thought I couldn’t do that on my own. I threw so much at you at a regular basis, leaving you to deal with what I thought I could not handle. I wanted you to deal with and fix things for me when they were hard, and if you didn’t I tried to find approval somewhere else. I definitely regret that the most. Now that I am focused on me and doing what I want to do (and damn..it feels really good to do whatever the fuck I feel like) I stopped searching for approval in others. I am eating this time up, using it to find comfort in being alone, entirely by myself. I wish I could slap my old self, tell her to wake up. So many of our problems were rooted in each others insecurities. Why didn’t we realize that? Why were we so comfortable in the ways things were despite the fact that both of us were not happy?
I thought that I would hold on to the fact that you moved on so quickly. At first it stung like a bitch. But then I realized that this is your way of dealing with all of your emotions. That is the way you have always dealt with them, by avoiding and running as far as you could. I never cared for that in you and lost a lot of respect for you after I saw how shallow your words are. But most of all I want you to be happy. I hope she, or whoever you end up with, loves you better than I ever did. We both deserve so much happiness, love, and selflessness.
You hold a big part of my heart but I know that over time that part will grow smaller and less meaningful. Part of me wishes that things ended differently and that we could still be close. I miss being able to share my day with you. I don’t know if I will be able to do some of ‘our’ things comfortably again, such as watching the office or go to our favorite restaurant. But I do know that we will be okay, and that I do not want to be with you anymore.
I want to be so much better, both for myself and for who I eventually end up meeting. I love myself a lot more already compared to the past few years. It didn’t take me long to realize how much happier I was not feeling all the guilt that I felt when I was with you. It feels good to feel in control of myself and to not rely on anyone else to fill or satisfy me. We both had holes within ourselves that we expected each other to fill and for the first time I am doing that entirely on my own.
I am grateful for my time with you, but even more so, I am grateful to move on.