How to Let Go of Shame and Bring In Success
20170816_185558.png

Shame 101

The simple definition of shame is a painful emotion caused by a strong sense of embarrassment, failure, worthlessness, and/or disgrace.

Shame follows people with addiction, hurting families and unhealthy relationships. Others can shame us and we can shame ourselves with some version of "who you are isn't okay, and nothing you do will change that. Shame on you."

Characteristics of shame

Unhealthy shame is the most detrimental human emotion. It is based on the different expectations that are placed on us by ourselves and by others. This results in the want to hide or cover up or escape. On the flip side, healthy shame leads to the blessings of humility and spirituality. 

Defenses against shame: 

addiction, anger, rage, perfectionism, etc

Descriptive shame words:

shy, embarrassed, inferior, stupid, dumb, inadequate, failure, guilty, humiliated, disgusted, worthless, mortified, a monster

Rules that follow shame

  • control
  • no talking
  • denial
  • incompleteness
  • perfectionism
  • blame
  • unreliability
  • disqualification

Symptoms of unhealthy shame

Shame is difficult to diagnose on others because most of the time it is something we're hiding from the outside world. Like when you hear people talk about someone who committed suicide and they say "they showed no signs that they were going to do that". Well yes, they actually probably did show signs, but they might not have been as obvious to observers because the person was TRYING to hide it. We try to hide what we're embarrassed of. I'm going to list out how to self-diagnose yourself though, and honestly I would argue that everyone has some level of unhealthy shame in their life and I would blame it on the cultures we grow up in. And you do not need to check ALL of these to have unhealthy shame as they are all evidence of it on their own. 

- You can't bring yourself to do things, go places, or be around people because you feel intimidated

- You experience recurrent bouts of depression

- You are in self-isolation: physically or emotionally distancing yourself from others; especially those you care about the most

- You pretend to be someone you are not

- You rely on bad habits or substances to medicate inner pain and self-loathing

- You exaggerate and or lie about yourself, your accomplishments, and your lifestyle; you brag or name drop

- Your public identity and your private self are markedly different

- You have had suicidal thoughts

- You assume the blame when someone treats you poorly or hurts you

- You make excuses for people who abuse you or treat you with disrespect

- You are unable to accept yourself as only human; instead you see yourself as subhuman or superhuman. You are unable to accept that there is both good and bad within you; you cling to a view of yourself that is all bad or all good or you alternate between the two

- You keep secrets about yourself, and you feel bound to carry them with you to the grave

- You keep a shameful part of your life separate from the rest of your life, even in your own mind; so that your behavior in one area is markedly different from the rest of your life

- You deny the nature and severity of your addictions

- You lose yourself in the needs of others: busying yourself by taking care of others; rescuing them; trying to control, fix or change them; and trying to solve their problems while neglecting your life (also known as codependency)

- You feel driven to achieve, overachieve, and excel to feel okay about yourself; you try to prove your worth by what you do (my number 1 problem in case you were wondering)

- You focus on the flaws and failings of others; being judgmental and critical draws attention away from you or consoles you that you aren't as bad as the object of your criticism 

Shame, Guilt and Toxic Shame

So now we now what shame is and looks like. Guilt is associated with shame because it is believing what we did is not okay, however, it can be beneficial when it affirms our values and motivates us to change like feeling bad that we hurt someone's feelings so we don't say that again next time. Shame can also be healthy when it causes humility so it's believing that we are limited and make mistakes. Like when we get into a car accident and realize we're not perfect. Toxic shame however is where the danger lurks because it is the belief that who we are is not okay, that we are worthless. 

How to address your unhealthy shame 

Unhealthy shame is only going to hold you back from your success, whether that be in your career, your relationships or your happiness. Releasing unhealthy shame takes time, but once you do it you will feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of your shoulders, you're going to be motivated to change your life, and you'll grow so much spiritually. 

1. Switch from shame-based systems to self-love systems

Accepting who you are and that who you are is okay is a HUGE undertaking. And taking baby steps, in my opinion, is the best way to handle this. When you feel the shame creeping in just recognize it, stop, and change the station so the voice in your head now tells you that you are worth it. Remind yourself that this is cultural and not a fact and that you're a badass until you believe it. And again really try to fall in love with who you are. All of my posts are so woven together with this concept because it is the ultimate life lesson in my opinion. 

2. Expose shame and treat it like a feeling

Call that shit out. Go and see a therapist and talk about it. It grows so much stronger when it's hidden. The second you put the spotlight on it you'll be more in control of it. Calling it what it is is almost always the first step when dealing with feelings and emotions as I wrote about in my other post about feelings

3. Track it to its roots

Here is definitely where I would recommend therapy. If you're like me then you bury that shit deep down inside and lock the door so I honestly don't even know where to start when it comes to tracing my roots. Therapist studied how to do this so let them help you. 

4. Change what's needed

Once you start doing all of these things you'll realize what's causing you shame. Is it perfectionism? Change what you need to. If your job is forcing you to be perfect try to find a new one or change the environment. Is it your relationship? Change it. Perfection doesn't exist so if your world is asking you for it... move. 

5. Release the shame

And once you've got what's causing the shame in the palm of your hand, open it and let it go. 

 

And if you need to be reminded that you're a badass... read this post :) 

 

shame.png
The Other F Word: Feelings
IMG_1272.png

Just in case nobody in your life has told you this... IT IS OKAY TO HAVE FEELINGS. Even better yet... YOU NEED TO HAVE FEELINGS because if you don't that makes you a sociopath. 

And just in case you haven't been told this either... IT IS OKAY TO FEEL YOUR FEELINGS. There you now have permission to be a human. 

I understand that this is MUCH easier said than done as a lot if not most of us have been raised to believe that showing emotion is showing weakness and that if you feel sad or hurt you need to just bury that deep down in and move on. Well this is SUPER unhealthy and it leads to negative consequences and behaviors later on. Your feelings will manifest later on, but stronger and more powerful if you immediately resist your feelings when they're brought up. 

What you resist persists

Let's talk about core feelings

What I'm realizing more and more (including in myself) is that society doesn't really ever talk about feelings, like what they are and how it feels to feel them. You can't talk about how you feel shame if you don't even know that shame is a feeling, right? So I'm going to list out core feelings so when you feel something and you can't identify exactly what you're feeling and you want shove it under the figurative rug in your head you can refer to this this and distinguish it. 

ANGER

FEAR

SAD

HURT/PAIN

LONELY

GUILT

SHAME

LOVE

HAPPY

JOY

GRATITUDE

WILLING

HOPEFUL

PEACE

And just as a reminder: all feelings are okay

The way out is always through

I can verify first hand that shoving your feelings deep down inside is super unhealthy. Personally, I did it because I thought it made me independent. If nobody knew that they could make me feel an emotion that meant I had complete autonomy of my emotions and that made me stronger and invincible. 

No, no, no. It made me weaker, apathetic, and I was called a robot multiple times. I thought it was endearing at the time, but looking back it was naive and childish and I'm paying for it now by having to sort through the emotions I didn't deal with back then. 

Our emotions and feelings control us if we resist them and until we allow ourselves to really feel the emotion they'll incubate and grow stronger. Anger is a huge one for this. I know that if I am truly angry at someone and I don't talk about that anger, I just shut my mouth until I'm "over it" that I'm going to end up exploding at them for the stupidest thing. 

Talking through your emotions is essential for healthy relationships, too. I really mean this. Not talking about your feelings can lead to codependency and depression and weaker relationships. If you directly state what you want and what you're feeling you'll create an environment where clear and MEANINGFUL communication can occur. Whether your relationship is romantic or platonic it is important to remember that talking about your feelings should strengthen the relationship and if it weakens it you should rethink who you're spending time with. It is important for your growth and sanity that you're in an environment where feelings are okay to be discussed. 

HOW to talk about your feelings

If you're at all like me THIS is where you struggle. I know I need to feel my feelings, I know I need to talk about my feelings, but for some reason knowing I need to do it didn't motivate me enough to actually do it because I didn't know HOW to talk about them. So don't worry, I got your back. 

First thing you need to do is resort to the list of core emotions. You need to identify which feelings you're feeling and use the words. Don't use a weaker synonym version of the word to shake it off. You're entitled to feel that emotion and synonyms will often times have skewed meaning and the goal here is for clear, meaningful communication. 

Next see if you can figure out why you're feeling that way. If you know a person is causing you to feel that way use the "I feel ____ when you ____" set up. So "I feel hurt, sad, and lonely when you make plans with me and cancel last minute" and an example is also necessary so "like that time when we planned to go to the concert together and the day of you called and told me you couldn't make it". This is healthy communication. The other person can't say "oh I don't do that" because you gave them a concrete example. And you're feelings have been stated and now they know that they caused you to feel those negative feelings. 

If you don't know why you're feeling a certain way just start talking about your feelings. Find a trusted friend and say "I'm not sure why, but I'm feeling sad right now" and allow yourself to feel sad. If it's consistent you should seek therapy (or really just seek therapy anyway because every single person should be in therapy) and maybe see if you can talk through why. Personally my go-to is my mom because I can literally be like "ugh I feel so sad today for no reason" and she'll point blank tell me "there's definitely a reason" and list to me alllllll the things in my life that could be making me sad and once I identify it I can feel it and let it go. 

And then allow yourself time to feel it. Rushing this is counterproductive. Take the time to heal. You wouldn't take your cast off of your leg after 2 days and say "well I need to get over this and walk because I have stuff to do" because you would re break it right? Same thing with your feelings. You need to treat your emotions as REAL and don't push them aside too early. Everyone is different and you're allotted as much time as you need to heal. 

feelings.png

 

 

20 Tips to Prevent Burnout

1. Stop people pleasing!

This is absolutely number one just in case you think this is too long to read because this is most important! Stop living your day for everyone else. Don't go to law school to impress your parents if you want to be a photographer. Don't plan your coworkers baby shower if you won't love every part of the experience. Don't make plans with people who don't take your thoughts and feelings into account. There are three easy steps to accomplish this:

1. Think about what is being offered for a moment. For example: your coworker asks you to plan their retirement party. Tell them you'll think about it and get back to them in a timely manner. Then think about it.

2. Weigh the outcomes. There are two in this instance. 1- I plan the retirement party and waste my time and energy doing so. 2- I don't plan the retirement party and waste no time or energy on this. Are you close with this coworker? Then maybe you're not wasting anything. Do you dislike this coworker? You're probably wasting valuable resources planning it, then. Weigh the costs and benefits of the decision.

3. Decide. And this is the hard part for most people, but it doesn't have to be. You either say "I'd love to" or "I appreciate you trusting me with this task, but I don't have the time". Short and simple. Don't make your decision based on the happiness it would bring them, but on the happiness it would bring you. If making them happy TRULY makes you happy - then do it. If not, spend your time on better things.

2. Change your diet

All I'm going to say on this since people HATE being told to change their diet is if you eat better you feel better. If you feel better you won't get burnt out so quickly. That is all.

3. Make sure you're getting enough sleep

I'm dead serious about this one. I hate that our culture praises those who sleep less as if that shows what a strong work ethic you have. No no no... without your 8 hours you are working less efficiently and if you know me you know that my number one concern is efficiency. I can get so much more done in one hour of time if I'm well rested than if I'm tired. PLUS fatigue is the reason why most car accidents happen on Fridays - people haven't been sleeping all week. Do us and yourself a favor and sleep! If you're not convinced I wrote a whole post on why badass bitches sleep A LOT!

4. Ask for help

Share carpool responsibilities for your kids, make sure you're splitting up group work, make sure your partner and you are sharing home responsibilities, and if you need help with a task ask someone for help knowing you'll return the favor when they need help. If you're not surrounded by people willing to help you then you need to rethink your relationships.

5. Time block

Don't work on writing your 25 page paper all in one sitting, do it in 5 page increments and take a break every 5 pages where you meditate or take a short walk, etc. This is super important for big goals. Just spend an hour every day on your goal and chip away at it until you reach it. If you're trying to build your business overnight you're going to get burnt out and quit really fast. Life's a marathon and you need to pace yourself. Which leads me to my next point...

6. Stop procrastinating

You're burnt out because you waited until 12pm to finish your report that's due the next day at 6am and not only are you stressed about the time crunch, but you're going to be running all day on no sleep making you less sharp - which leads to a less efficient day meaning you have to stay up late again to get all of your work done because it's taking you longer to complete. Schedule your responsibilities and stick to them so you can be at your most efficient and still have time for self-care and sleep and joy.

7. Make time for joy

And no this is not making time for self-care, that'll be another point. Joy is simply joy. Making time for what makes you laugh and what gives your life purpose. This is essential. I recommend making a list of the things that bring you the kind of joy that fills your soul and incorporate something from that list into each day. All day your draining your life source battery and joy is how you recharge it.

8. Stay off of social media

You've got to trust me on this one. People on social media are either complaining or bragging. You only see the BEST parts of peoples lives and then you end up comparing yourself to them. They're using filters, only showing the glamorous part of their day, and it's all for show. Studies have proven that people who use social media are left feeling more depressed than before they logged on. You need to lessen the amount of distractions in your life and keep your focus on your goal without comparing where you are in life to other people.

9. Make sure you're taking time for self-care

I really don't feel like I need to write a lot for this one... self-care is easy. Make sure your basic needs are met and you're taking time for YOU. Personally my self-care is done when I'm alone so I wrote a post that's 100 things to do alone if you're looking for some ideas.

10. Take time to be creative

This is so important. This isn't just a taking a break or letting your mind wander. Creating makes you feel important, it gets your using your right brain, and it's how you stay motivated. The less creative your responsibilities are (i.e. work, your major, running kids to soccer practice, etc) the more time you need to be creative to make sure you have that balance. Creating inspires and inspiration keeps you motivated and happy -- you'll be depressed and burnout super quick if you only focus on the boring stuff.  I wrote a post on how to become inspired and find your passion if you're more interested in how to do this.

11. Stay hydrated

Just do it... if you're not drinking your weight in ounces of water every day you're not hydrated your body isn't at it's peak. Hydration = burnout prevention. Write it down.

12. Plan your goals

I mean sit down and plan out your next week, month, year, 5 years, 10 years, 20 years, etc. Where are you headed in your life? Where do you want to go? I recommend starting at 20 years and working backwards. This doesn't have to be set in stone, you can always change your mind, but it's much less of a mental strain if I know that by working on my business 1 hour a day I'll get to my 20 year goal then if I'm stressing out over how I'm going to be the person I want to be. Sit down, write it out, and calm down. I use the bullet journal method and wrote a post about that as well if you're interested.

13. Spend time in nature

The most important reminder spending time in nature gives me is that there is more than my tiny little perspective of the world. If I don't turn in my paper by midnight the sun will still rise, the Earth will still turn, and the little things I do every day are really not that important. Just go and take a walk outside of the city and remember that.

14. Ground yourself

This needs to be done every day. The busier you are the more grounding you need. I already wrote a whole post about how to ground yourself so check that out!

15. Keep your energy levels high

If you're struggling just to get out of bed in the morning you're probably already burnt out. You need to follow the other steps on this list, but I also wrote a post on how I got through this. I was sleeping 12 hours and would wake up feeling like I didn't sleep at all and couldn't get out of bed and so I wrote a post on how I got my energy back so you can implement some of the things that helped me in your own life.

16. Cut the bad fruit off of the tree

This goes along with the first point of not pleasing people... but really you NEED to remove toxicity from your life at all costs. Cut off toxic relationships, toxic friends, toxic family members, toxic responsibilities, etc. This is crucial. All of those things are draining your energy and you're going to get burnt out so much faster. If a person or a task isn't making you feel healthier or good about yourself or helping you achieve your goal you're wasting your time and energy. Again, I'm all about efficiency so trim up your life.

17. Get rid of stuff

Burnt out? TIME TO PURGE. You're wasting time and energy organizing your crap, cleaning your crap, looking for your crap, moving your crap to make room for other crap and it's exhausting. Believe me I know how you feel... I grew up with a type A mom who needed everything organized with labels BUT THERE WAS SO MUCH STUFF. It was just organized clutter. If you don't NEED it or LOVE it toss it. Byeeeeeeee. I also wrote a whole post on how to minimalize your entire life - not just your stuff. Read that one too. :)

18. Stop feeling guilty

Guilt burns me out faster than any other emotion. It takes about 3 seconds of a guilt trip for me to need a nap. This is so hard for people and I get it... but it's really something to work on. Be yourself unapologetically. If you fuck up then apologize and move on. You've learned from your mistake, be grateful for the lesson, and don't dwell on it. Stop feeling guilty that you're not around enough for someone, that you can't afford a birthday present, etc. If you're doing the best you can then the people in your life should respect that. If they make you feel guilty then resort back to point number 16 because you don't have time for that kind of negativity in your life. You have shit to do.

19. Be patient

You're not going to be a millionaire at 25. You're not going to live in a fully renovated penthouse at 26. Even if you know 20 year olds who are - you're probably not because most are living in shit holes and that is 100% OKAY. Even if you're 40 and you feel like you don't have your life together yet it is okay. Make a plan and chip away at it and be happy that you have a purpose. You're burnt out because you're impatient and you think having the penthouse is what will make you happy, but you're wrong. Working towards the penthouse is what will make you happy.

20. Believe you can do it

Otherwise known as your self-efficacy - this is psych 101. If you truly believe you CAN accomplish it then you will. That way a 25 page paper goes from this huge monster you have to slay with a toothpick to just "oh yeah that'll be nothing I can totally do that". You raise your self-efficacy by remembering all the times you have accomplished a similar task in the past... "Remember last semester when you wrote that 20 page paper? This is only 5 more pages". It might suck to accomplish it... but just reminding yourself that it's totally doable makes all the difference.

9 Tips To Manifest Everything You Need

If you're not constantly manifesting you're living life the hard way. I don't care what term you want to use if manifesting sounds a little like witch craft. It's just another term for positive thinking, the law of attraction, praying for things, etc. I want to make one thing very clear, though, ANYONE can manifest anything at anytime. And it's super simple. 

1. Make your intentions clear

The first thing you need to do is write down EXACTLY what you want. The details really matter here. You don't want to confuse the universe/God/spirits/etc. Make sure that you're specific on what you actually want though. For example, when manifesting love manifest how the person will make you feel as opposed to what they will look like. If you've had a hard time finding love you've probably been manifesting the wrong things or confusing the universe with what you want. If you've ever found yourself thinking "I want a guy who looks like Chase Crawford" well great you might get a super attractive guy, but he's a douchebag. So instead request your soul mate. "I want a guy who is unbelievably kind, has as much ambition as I do, has his own hobbies, inspires me to be better, and I'm attracted to him". That's what I manifested and that's what I got. I'm telling you it works. 

2. Ask the universe

Once you know exactly what you want ask the universe for it. "I need $800 to pay my bills, please". Cool it'll happen. DO NOT focus on HOW you're going to get it. That's fear and fear is going to stop you from getting what you're manifesting. You need to trust that the universe is going to bring it to you or it can't. So I'll say "I don't care HOW I get the money I need to move, just please help me to have enough" or "I need a new car please help me to get the perfect car for me". 

3. Trust that the Universe knows better that you do

So if you are manifesting a new house and 3 years go by and there is no house you need to trust that was on purpose. Maybe the market is about to crash and that'll be a better time to buy a house. Maybe an apocalypse is coming and the house you're living in now is safer and better for that event. Who knows? Maybe the car you wanted was a Lexus, but you ended up with a Subaru and you're pissed because you manifested the Lexus. Well just wait because maybe you're going to get into an accident and the Subaru is safer and is going to save your life. You need to be humble and remember that you can't see the future. Manifest what you want, but tell the universe you only want it if it's going to help you with your life's purpose. If it's going to send you down a different or wrong path then tell the universe not to give it to you. 

4. Ask open ended questions

An excellent tool I use to make sure I'm manifesting what I want and having it fit my life's purpose is asking open ended questions. Examples of this include "I wonder what it would feel like to be totally and completely healthy" or "I wonder what it would be like if I had enough money to start charitable foundations to help bring clean water to third world countries". Then I'm putting it it the universe's hands to make me feel that way or for that experience to happen to me and I'm not saying how I want it to happen or when just that it will happen. 

5. Act like it's real

This is where the power of positive thinking comes in. Once you've manifested your dream partner you can just sit back and know that they're coming when they're supposed to and you don't have to worry about it anymore. It's off your plate and the universe has to figure it out now. Act like you already have that job, that scholarship, that money, that car, etc. If you just act like you're totally and completely healthy you'll start to feel totally and completely healthy. It's truly amazing. 

6. Manifest what you want, not just what you need

Something that's hard for me is manifesting more than I need because I somehow think that if I'm getting $100 to pay a bill I'm taking it from someone who really needs it. This is total bullshit. The universe is endless, nothing is scarce. Manifest boat loads of money and success if that's what you want and that's in your life's plan and make sure that when you get it you're giving it away and doing stuff with the money. The universe doesn't manifest to hoarders or people will ill intentions so if you're like Oprah and you want to manifest billions of dollars so you can create charities, and inclusive, diverse media, and you want to give away a lot of your wealth then you're more likely to get it. The reason she keeps getting more money is because she keeps giving it away. There's an energy exchange happening, the energy is flowing in the form of money.  

7. Trust

I know I touched on this a little bit, but you have to 100% trust in God or the Universe that it's going to provide you with it. If you do not believe it's possible it won't happen. If you do not believe you're worthy of it then it won't happen. If you can't imagine yourself with it and act like it's going to happen then it won't happen. You have to have blind trust in it. 

8. Be patient

Yes I want millions of dollars to help people, but I'm not expecting it tomorrow.The universe isn't going to break the laws of nature to make it rain money in my bedroom. It has to bring it to me. So I have to leave different avenues open for it. Maybe I'll meet someone who wants to invest in my ideas. Who knows how the money is going to get to me? I don't care when I get it, I just ask that it's when I'm ready for it and when I can use it for the greatest good and to fulfill my life's purpose. So I manifested it and now I wait. One day it'll happen. It could and probably will happen gradually. 

9. You have to work for it, too

You can't just manifest millions of dollars and then sit on your couch and wait for it to rain money, like I said. You need to be open to opportunities and pay attention to the signs the universe is telling you to in order to earn the millions of dollars. The more avenues you have open the easier it'll be for the universe to bring it to you. The universe can't bring you your soulmate if you never go anywhere or do anything. You won't have to go out and look for them yourself, but you do need to still make sure you have hobbies or whatever that'll get you out of the house and into the world. 

Gratitude : The real secret to happiness, success and healthy relationships

Get ready for the best piece of advice I could give to anyone. The most important lesson I've ever learned is that gratitude should always be your number 1 focus. Here's why...

You'll be happier

Newsflash... happiness is not a destination. You can't book a flight to happiness and spend the weekend. If you want to be happy you need to be happy that you even get to focus on your happiness. You need to be GRATEFUL that you get to work towards a goal. You need to be GRATEFUL for all of the experiences, materialistic things, and lessons you have had throughout your life because they were blessings. Whenever I get pissed about something not going my way I look back to who I was in 4th grade... if I had no experiences I would still be that person and there is no way in hell I would rather hang out with my 4th grade self than the woman I am now. I'm thankful that I've had and will have the opportunity to grow. So now when something shitty happens in my life I can look at it as a lesson and say thank you to the universe for helping me grow. I have nothing to be sad about when I look at life that way leaving only room for happiness.

You'll be more successful

Because guess what? You're going to be grateful for your day and actually use all of it to its full potential. You're going to be grateful for any handouts, advice, help, or advantages that come your way and you're going to use them to help yourself be more successful. You're also going to be grateful that you received so much help and give back when you have the means, which builds you an army of loyal followers instead of enemies you stomped on to get where you are. You're going to be grateful for your success, you're going to thank the universe (or God or whatever you want to call it) and in return for your gratitude it'll supply you with more (I mean look at Oprah she can't give money away as fast as she earns it, but the flow of energy keeps in coming in).

You'll have healthier relationships

I'm not a relationship expert, but I do know that if someone does something for you and you don't say thank you, resentment will build and it'll leave a crack in your foundation. I literally say thank you for every single thing like letting me eat your leftovers or even just hanging out with me. I've never met anyone who ever said "I don't want to hang out with so-and-so because they're just so grateful for everything I do for them". I have, on the other hand, heard the opposite on multiple occasions. The more gratitude I get for doing things for other people the more things I want to do for them. I mean just be grateful that they're even in your life and watch how the relationship builds. BTW this includes romantic, familial, and platonic relationships.

Oh and...

you should be grateful regardless because if you're not you look like an asshole to anyone who has less than you do. Go stand in front of the kids living in landfills in Brazil and talk to them about how rough your life is because you got a speeding ticket WHILE SPEEDING. You're problems are only problems because that's what you've labeled them. I call them lessons or maybe even inconveniences, but my problems are not problems compared to 99% of the problems everyone else in the world has. Show some respect.  

 

 

 

Why Having Weaknesses Is A Good Thing

Self-esteem is a tricky thing. Something that I've noticed recently, though, is that everyone is so obsessed with focusing on their weaknesses because they see someone else who is better at it and they covet. I'm going to explain why you need to see having weaknesses as a GOOD thing.

Self Awareness

Most importantly... be grateful you can even see your own weaknesses. This means you have some level of self awareness. If you think you don't have any weaknesses you're delusional and it's going to stunt your growth. For those of you who know what your weaknesses are, great, good for you. I'm proud of you for internalizing your talents and realizing what you're not so good at. Keep doing this your whole life. Think of what comes easy to you and what you have to really force yourself to try to do.

Narrow Your Focus

Weakness help you to narrow your focus. You know that you're following your life's path when everything seems to come easy to you. For example... it is really difficult for me to be around dark, negative energy for long periods of time, so being a social worker probably isn't the best career choice for me. I know that taking on people's problems as my own is a weakness, and therefore I never pursued a career that would make me do that.

If you're starting a business you can recognize your weaknesses to outsource and do your strengths yourself. If you're great at design, but you're lost with programming, hire an IT person and stick to the design. Focus on your strengths and allow others to come in and beef up the weaknesses.

Stay Humble

Knowing your weaknesses is going to make you stay humble. Humility is such an underrated attribute. Not only are you going to be able to focus on your strengths to be more successful, but while you're doing it you're going to appreciate other people who's strengths are your weaknesses and nothing makes a person like you more than when you appreciate them. This isn't always everyone's biggest concern, but when I look around at the successful people who stayed humble, they're the ones who are not only successful materialistically, but they're leaving a legacy.

5 Steps To Dealing With Negative People

All of us either have to deal with negative people all the time, or we are a negative person. One of the aspects of being the best version of yourself is knowing how to behave in every situation in order to reap maximum benefit from that situation. Most of these lessons I've learned the hard way, though, so I thought they'd be helpful to others.

Photo source: here

Photo source: here

Cut the energy off as soon as you leave

This is super important for the rest of your day. It doesn't matter if I'm spending 5 minutes or 5 hours with this person, as soon as I leave them I say to myself "I give your energy back to you with peace and love" and push it off of my body. If you don't need the visualization then you can just take a deep breath or whatever. I, however, do need to visualize that negative energy leaving or I carry it with me all day.

Try to stop them from complaining

This is where knowing the difference between complaining and venting really comes in handy. Venting, in my opinion, is when a person is telling a story about something bad that happened to get it out of their system so they can move on, like mini therapy. Complaining is talking about bad things that they either can't change or are unwilling to change. I'll listen to anyone vent, granted I might cut them off if turns into rambling, but everyone has to do it and it doesn't make them a negative person. Complaining is something negative people do, and I do not have the time for that. When I notice complaining I just simply say "what are you going to do about it?". If they say "I don't know", I say "well I can either give you advice or we're moving on to talk about something else". They usually get the point. Since I've set boundaries with the people in my life, including coworkers, they know I don't take bullshit and I won't sit through it, it's just my personality. If you need to set your own boundaries I wrote a post that will walk you through it here.

Be an adult

As an adult you don't HAVE to take anyone's BS. You also cannot be an asshole about it. Finding the sweet spot in the middle takes practice, but you can do it. Adults don't let negative people walk all over them, but they don't just stop doing business with them either. There's a way to talk to them that might not turn them into positive people, but it will at least shut them up. You can tell them to stop complaining as I mentioned above, you can be overly positive when you're around them because attitudes are contagious (although this can be exhausting), you can motivate them to be positive, such as, "that comment isn't going to help us move forward in an efficient way, I'd like to keep comments as positive as possible" for business environments at least. You can use similar language for personal environments. The point is... you're an adult, so act like it. Stop acting like a child who needs to conform and let people walk all over them.

Adapt

This is slowly becoming my favorite word. When I'm with a negative person I try one of these tactics and make note of the result. Did it work? Great, use it again. Did it not work? Okay, tweak it and try something different. Negative people are seriously my least favorite to be around. I'd rather be with someone who fundamentally disagrees with me on every platform than one who complains and is negative, but agrees with me. However, every person is going to be different, meaning, there is no catch-all for negative people. You gotta use different formulas for each one.

Make sure you're not a negative person

If you're surrounded by negative people, chances are you are one. Misery loves company and I'll say it again, your vibe attracts your tribe. Have a good, positive attitude and you'll be surprised how much good karma is going to come back to you, how many people are going to be more positive around you, and how much happier you'll be in general.